January 11, 2026, 12:03pm: Mania has departed and depression has arrived. So it goes. It's not all bad. I just can't bring myself to do a whole lot of creative work. I suppose I might as well just do all the menial in-between that requires itself so that I'm ready to strike when the canvas turns around the corner, into view. I reached out to an old friend recently and still haven't gotten a response. They're possibly off Discord now, which is maybe a good thing for them, but I still would have liked to speak. I wrote some long-ass manic thing that wasn't that long, really, I once sent my sister a twenty-page letter – now that was long – but it was long enough that it was a little weird. My right elbow hurts, possibly from using phone in the bed too long. It was very cold this morning and I did not want to sit at my desk. I should stretch, which is my mantra at this point, and perhaps one day I will. I finished Marie Howe's What the Living Do, which is a poetry collection addressing the passing of her brother and her childhood experiences largely centered around her father's abuse and other misogyny. It's tough reading at first. Her vocabulary and metaphor are subtle, occasionally pointed, she draws striking parallels ("watching it happen without it happening to me"), and I enjoy the conversational rhythm of her poems here. They read aloud well. She treats the body with lovely, curious intimacy ("his cock quiet // in his jeans"), and while the way she communicates grief is often up to interpretation, it is hardly ambivalent. Her poems land with both feet, but where, it is often hard to say. I've also played some visual novels + twine games recently. ATTACHMENTDOLL by deaddeaddeath I'm a sicko for this game. Might be my game of the year. Aloysha and Cura both are deep characters with real, meaningful struggles and distinct voices, the character sprites are fittingly cute, the background imagery in both color and content suit the tone perfectly, the music and SFX provided an additional layer of texture that popped certain moments. And... as a CPTSD haver, an abandonment, neglect, and abuse survivor, Aloysha's experiences, feelings, and needs are intensely relatable to me. In many ways that is a life I had lived, and only when someone stepped in could I start finding meaningful peace. ATTACHMENTDOLL made me feel truly understood. It gave me some relief. I feel like such a freak at times for pining after the strange, taboo, occasionally infantile things I do, and it helped so much to experience a story where that is okay. It's brutal. It's not for everyone. But, fuck, it was for me. If this seems like it'd be for you, please check it out. love(BATTLE)doll by basicbean and mala This was a fun one. The colorful fuzzy-moving character sprites stand out well against the drab, yet vivid, rendered-3D backgrounds, the music is solid, and the story flows smoothly. I do wish a few scenes had got more fleshing out but none of it dragged on and the essential moments did get the attention they deserved. Fun and kinda hot. N°8's Journal by Arc'' This story was short, sweet, and pleasant to look at. It does dive into the brutality of war and difficulty adapting after trauma, and I think Arc'' treats those well, but I was especially taken by the lighter moments: the dolls goofing off around the base, learning about others as well as themselves, being human and childish. I think those are all worth checking out, as is the jam itself.