all eyes on you –– spent, supine, inside wind-thin walls of a friend's cold bedroom, your body uncovered, but for the excrement smeared all over your genitals like nutella on meat, the trashbag crinkling as you, used up and isolate, gather enough heat to vibrate your shivering girlboy body up, up off the bag, up off the floor, until the camera's eye kisses your face; you spared one pinky to keep the REC button clean, you were always so worried about keeping everything clean except yourself; decades later you still scald your skin scrubbing away whatever expression he read into your face each time he jerked off to you; his hands may have buried you in his sheets, or attic, or lawn, but it was your hands that cranked the faucet to drizzling lifeless rainfall, your hands scoured bone white by dead water bled from the dormant heater, your hands like palette knives defacing your body, your hands uploading your heart in a desperate grope for love, your hands on his dick, finishing on you, over and over , your hands lacking fingers to point, your hands praying for a signal clarity of rape.